Ulterior Motivation

I’ve got to find a new motivation. The self hatred doesn’t seem to be getting the job done like it used to. Feeling bad about myself seemed to work really well as fuel when I was 19; brand new to the LA streets. Now that I’ve grown here in all the definitions of the word, […]

Repeat After Me

“Did you listen to the tapes I sent you, yet?” My mother is kindly inquiring over the phone. She’s trying to pull me out of the mud. I’ve been trudging my way through a swamp of seemingly never ending anxiety and depression. I have all but given up on the idea of happiness. Occupying myself […]

I Think Therefore I Am

“You are more than you’re body.” The chorus of self-love is sung over and over and it is ringing in my ears. Although I have always accepted this to be true in the philosophical sense, the more I focus on my body, how I treat it and how it treats “me”; the more this statement […]

Hit Me

I got punched in the stomach today. I want to tell everyone like a kid who wants to show that he has lost a tooth. I know it’s annoying to bait people like that, just so I have have an excuse to tell them about my MMA training, but the exhilaration I get from it […]

Mountain Of Excuses

I can already see the excuse forming on my lips, the one I’m going to use if summer starts and I still haven’t reached my goal: “Well, Runyon Canyon has been closed”. I’m already practicing it in the mirror. The hiking trail just outside my front door is closed for repairs, until July 31st. I […]

Baby Got Back

“Yeah yeah yeah, your butt looks great” I mutter without amusement scrolling through my carefully curated Instagram feed. One taut young body after another as if the mindless absorption of the lithe nakedness of athletic women will somehow seep it’s way into my subconscious mind and will manifest itself in boundless motivation. Truthfully, it takes […]

The Meaning of Life

I think it might all be meaningless. This whole time I thought for sure there was divine purpose and greater plan that was just being kept a secret from me, but I’m trying to reconcile why this might not be such a terrible thing. If there is no destiny, then that means I get to […]

Ms. Jones

Instead of writing a blog last week like a good girl, I smoked 5 cigarettes and spent a lot of time in bed fretting over romance and how all my troubles might be related to the extra layer of fat on my butt. I was reminded of the character Bridget Jones, the heroine of the […]

Like A Girl

  This week I learned how to hit like a girl: a professional MMA fighter girl. As I warmed up on the treadmill, she asked me why I wanted to train. The answer was one I’m sure she’s heard a million times: “I’ve always wanted to know how to fight… It looks so cool in […]