So what?… So what–I’m using Christmas as an excuse to do/eat all those things I’d shame myself for otherwise? It’s a holiday/vacation/mental vacation. So what I ate some cheese and drank too much? I also ate mysterious Filipino food prepared by my friend’s family to show that I’m adventurous and appreciative. That’s what this season is about, right? Showing everyone how much you love them by helping them eat all the food at their party?
Yet, somehow it’s not the shrimp sauce that isn’t sitting right in my stomach. It’s the idea that I’m “loving” myself with Brie and a croissant. Really, I know I’m not doing what my body desires nor deserves.
I was going to go for a run today but there are parties to go to and loved ones to see, and the gym closes early today and I couldn’t possibly risk running in the dark so instead I’ll fill myself up with carbs…that should distract from the loneliness and the guilt of not seeing my mother on Christmas, right?
My mother knows better than me, she told me she’s not sending me candy this year, she cares that I’ve been working so hard. Why don’t I?
Food is so deeply linked with celebration. With community. Something about depriving myself of these pleasures feels isolating, and similarly when I am lonely eating a certain food can give me the sense memory of a time I felt happy and connected. Although, I am trying to elevate myself from the crowd, it doesn’t mean that during this season I’m not like all the other humans on this planet with a desire to be surrounded by my loved ones sipping warm cider and eating the cookies they have baked.
So how does one balance the two juxtaposed desires? If I work really hard and remain focused during the weeks and days before, then I can release myself of the guilt on Christmas morning when I eat a waffle; as long as I keep in mind tomorrow I’ll be back to my strict regimen, and the rest of the treats will be tossed out with the wrapping paper.