Ms. Jones

Instead of writing a blog last week like a good girl, I smoked 5 cigarettes and spent a lot of time in bed fretting over romance and how all my troubles might be related to the extra layer of fat on my butt. I was reminded of the character Bridget Jones, the heroine of the […]

Like A Girl

  This week I learned how to hit like a girl: a professional MMA fighter girl. As I warmed up on the treadmill, she asked me why I wanted to train. The answer was one I’m sure she’s heard a million times: “I’ve always wanted to know how to fight… It looks so cool in […]

See Spot Run

It has come to my attention that, apparently, I’m very much like a big dog. I need to be exercised; a lot. Not just walked around the block so I can take a poop, but I need to be worn out, so I don’t develop obsessive behavior that even Cesar Milan would hesitate to try […]

Pray the Fat Away

I’m trying to pray the fat away. But it’s more than just some magical practice. Me kneeling, asking the universe to bring me abs. It’s more than just praying that I’ll make it past the chocolate croissant display in the kitchen at my bar job. If that were a solution there would be many more […]

Tell Me What I Want To Hear

I really want you to say, “you look amazing!!” A burst of excitement followed by too many exclamation points! That’s what I’m thinking when I see you for the first time after many torturous runs in the California heat, and the many nights falling asleep with an empty stomach. What I actually do receive is […]