Baby Got Back

“Yeah yeah yeah, your butt looks great” I mutter without amusement scrolling through my carefully curated Instagram feed. One taut young body after another as if the mindless absorption of the lithe nakedness of athletic women will somehow seep it’s way into my subconscious mind and will manifest itself in boundless motivation. Truthfully, it takes […]

The Meaning of Life

I think it might all be meaningless. This whole time I thought for sure there was divine purpose and greater plan that was just being kept a secret from me, but I’m trying to reconcile why this might not be such a terrible thing. If there is no destiny, then that means I get to […]

Ms. Jones

Instead of writing a blog last week like a good girl, I smoked 5 cigarettes and spent a lot of time in bed fretting over romance and how all my troubles might be related to the extra layer of fat on my butt. I was reminded of the character Bridget Jones, the heroine of the […]

Like A Girl

  This week I learned how to hit like a girl: a professional MMA fighter girl. As I warmed up on the treadmill, she asked me why I wanted to train. The answer was one I’m sure she’s heard a million times: “I’ve always wanted to know how to fight… It looks so cool in […]

See Spot Run

It has come to my attention that, apparently, I’m very much like a big dog. I need to be exercised; a lot. Not just walked around the block so I can take a poop, but I need to be worn out, so I don’t develop obsessive behavior that even Cesar Milan would hesitate to try […]